An Eating Disorder is like…(#1)

9 06 2010

I have two primary ways of thinking. #1. Song lyrics. Yes, I think in song lyrics. Or at the very least, I respond to various situations with some snippet of a song. *cough-geek-cough* #2. Metaphors. To help my limited brain understand things, I often (involuntarily) relate with a metaphor. As you very well may be guessing right now, Eating Disorders are no different for me.
I spend time trying to figure out my Eating Disorder. Why now? Where did it come from? What’s the purpose? Whats the point?!?!? Why is it so hard to shake? Why do I keep coming back to it? Here’s the metaphor (well, if you wanna get picky, it’s probably a simile…but anways…):

An Eating Disorder is like a bad boyfriend. When you set out in the relationship, things couldn’t be better! “He” makes you feel so good about yourself – you’re loosing weight, you’re happy, you feel safe and accepted…what could be wrong with this? So you continue this way for awhile. The weight continues to come off, and you feel awesome! You’ve never been down to this size…but it’s not quite good enough for him. He, in his crafty way, tells you you’re beautiful, but you’d be even more beautiful if you weighed just a few pounds less…and a few pounds less…and just a couple more…
Something changes. It doesn’t feel quite right anymore. You’re getting hungry, but you know “he” wouldn’t want you to eat. Or at least not eat too much. You might gain weight. So you restrict yourself, and deny your body the fuel it needs. Then, at some point, whether it’s your own realization of the problem at hand, or your body just has had enough, or maybe someone takes you by the hand and yanks you, but at any rate, the relationship comes to an end. And “he” is upset, calling after you “I’ll always take you back, babe…” But you’re fighting him, and fighting hard. You work to gain weight back, work to understand that your body isn’t healthy this way, and try so hard to understand that you’re beautiful when you’re healthy, not when you’re skeletal. You thrive and improve in this new understanding. But then something happens.
This something could be almost anything. An emotional response to a significant event, heavy stress, lots of homework, anything that changes how you feel. Insecurity replaces the safety you had been feeling, and all you hear is that voice of your abusive lover reminding you that he’ll always take you back. And you go back.
At first it’s great! He makes you feel loved and safe. But it doesn’t take long for his abuse to begin again. You see, you’ve gained back a couple pounds since the last time you saw him, and he notices. He wants that “fixed”. And you can see the pattern forming.

It’s so easy to go back to an Eating Disorder mentality. It’ll always “take me back”. It’s a familiar way of life, and it gives a false sense of security. In that moment of weakness, the voice of the enemy (as mentioned in the previous post) tries to sweet-talk me back to my old self. But this is no longer who I am. At first, it was hard to counter the voice of the enemy. But as my strength, supplied by God, increases, so does my resistance to that horrid Voice. He says “But this is who you used to be! Remember?” And I say “But it’s no longer who I am.”

Proof that I think in song lyrics:

I am not who I was
I am being remade
I am new
I am chosen and holy
And I’m dearly loved
I am new

Jason Gray




3 responses

12 06 2010
Aunt Chelle

Yes, to all of the above!

19 06 2010
The Lies He Tells « My Bad Friend Ed

[…] weak, that the Enemy tries to speak the loudest. And he’s a terrible liar, yet, like that bad boyfriend , he’s very convincing. And sometimes, I start to believe what he says. So what does he say […]

20 06 2010
Diary of Josi

Other song lyrics for you: The voice of Truth tells me a different story… You’ve gotta know that song by Casting Crowns.

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