The Chaos Inside

2 07 2010

Whew it’s been a while since my last post! I attribute that to full time work 🙂 Anyways…

We all get in our routines, right? We just get used to doing our thing, and then when it changes, it’s like…”Holy smokes! What do I do?!?!?” And this is what my job becoming full time did to me last week. It wasn’t toooooo bad at first, but I did have to rethink a few things in my schedule. No big, right? You would think! But apparently, this wasn’t so. I thought I would handle it just fine…at first, everything seemed cool. But then, the stomach aches began which leads to a lack of appetite…which leads to a cranky me. Let me tell you a little story.

Last Saturday, neither my mom nor I had commitments till about 2 in the afternoon, (Dad had a free day) so we decided to hit up the farmer’s market. Lets back up…I woke up that morning with a bit of a tummy ache, and no appetite, but I don’t have the option of just not eating. So I tried to find something lite, but I never enjoy eating when I’m not hungry. And man, I just wanted to be hungry! Anywho, so I started out a little bit cranky and not feeling totally well, but the day would just improve, right? Riiiiight. So off to the farmer’s market we go, a little later than planned, but with enough time to peruse as we pleased. We wandered the market, then hit up the mall for a little quick shopping, then decided we ought to head home in order for mom and I to be where we needed to be on time. And on the way home, mom would be buying me lunch. Except, I still wasn’t hungry. And the Enemy whispered lies in my ear, tricking me into believing them based on how I physically felt. And it all went downhill from there.

I thought I could handle a smoothie, but I knew mom and dad would NOT be satisfied with a smoothie for lunch. But that’s what I wanted. The parents said they’d be fine with Subway or Wendy’s…except that was NOT appealing to me…but I could get veggies at either one. They were willing to swing by Starbucks on the way to Wendy’s, and I needed to tell them if that’s what I wanted. But I didn’t know what I wanted. Inside of me raged a terrible battle between what I wanted (the intuitive eater), what I thought I should have (the nutrition-minded eater), what I could have (the restrictive JERK), and just forgetting about the whole thing (the lets-deal-with-it-later eater). Holy smokes! Can we say internal conflict?? And I was stuck. I felt SOOOOOOOO angry. When my dad asked me why, I told him I was tired of all this crap, and for the first time in quite awhile, I broke down about the whole thing. Whew.

I ended up choosing a smoothie and some crackers, then a side-salad at Wendy’s. And when we got home, I went for the hardest, most intense bike ride I’ve gone on in awhile. Therapy!

In case you didn’t know, I meet with a counselor weekly, per the request of my doctor. This week when we met, I told her about this situation, and she helped me identify those four different voices. And she’s so stinkin’ right (**as a note, she gave them different names…but I can’t remember exactly what she called them…ha!) We talked about how each of those voices can be helpful in the right setting, and at at the right volume. She compared it to a symphony. You need the violin, the flute, the timpani and the trumpet, but if one plays too loud, or at the wrong tempo, it messes the whole thing up. These voices are the same way. In the right parameters, they’re great – even helpful at times! But when they get all fired up, competing for first place in my mind…bad news.

Then, my counselor talked about how we have to embrace these voices, and essentially, keep them under control. She told me about her children, how when they all fight, it’s stressful and frustrating, but she tries to quiet them, and, above all, loves them anyways. You see, it’s important to listen to what my body wants (the intuitive eater), but on that Saturday, the others overpowered her little voice. It’s important to consider what is best, nutritionally, simply because I know I require lots of different nutrients. Last Saturday, confusion gripped that voice. It’s important to be thoughtful of what I should eat because I know I shouldn’t eat ice cream for two of three meals a day, BUT that voice can’t be in charge. Man, it sure tried to last weekend. And finally, sometimes I know it’s best to wait a bit before eating, but not to the point that the screaming voice on Saturday wanted (total abstinence from eating!). All of these things have their place, but when they try to take charge? When mutiny become their game? No good. I put my foot down! And anyways, who would actually want to hear the timpani pounding away above the beautiful violin melody?

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3 responses

4 07 2010
The Brain Rack

I disagree, the trumpet should always be featured, and supported by other trumpets. Every once in a while you can add French Horns too. I almost thought it amusing when you talked about “voices in your head” in the traditional, looney, sense, but everybody has them, and tons of them, all about different things. I think it’s interesting how you said it’s not a battle to silence all but one path of thought, but to find a balance so you are in control and can listen to them all, or choose 1 or more whenever the time calls. Nice post, I need to write mine now… hahaha.

4 07 2010
mybadfriended

Thanks! It always used to feel odd talking about “voice in my head”…but i’m not crazy 🙂 Thanks for reading…now get to work!!!

7 08 2010
It’s Called Grace « My Bad Friend Ed

[…] It knew that I didn’t weigh 200 pounds. It knew I wasn’t huge. But because of all the chaos inside that voice of reason, of rational thought, couldn’t break through. *trumpet bugle* […]

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