What Am I So Scared Of?

23 07 2010

Oh man, I’ve been getting ideas for posts faster than I can write them! I’m a bit behind right now, but hopefully I’ll catch up with my ideas soon!!

This morning, I decided to check my weight. I didn’t really think I’d gained any, but I’ve been surprised before, so I didn’t know what to expect today. I stepped on the scale, it’s screen lighting up bright blue. Thinking…thinking… thinking…aaaaaaand……..crap. I’ve lost weight. Not a huge significant amount, but the couple pounds I gained a few weeks ago are gone. GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

Why is gaining weight so difficult for me? What’s keeping me from gaining weight? Fear. Okay…so what’s the object of fear? What am I so scared of? We could talk about all the little issues, all the emotional things, but the heart of the issue, the element that’s fueling the fires of my fear? I’m positively terrified of getting fat. Seeing that in type looks so ridiculous, and makes me feel incredibly superficial. There are child slaves and hunger in third-world countries. There’s an oil spill in the gulf. Unrest in the Middle East. And my biggest fear through all of it is getting fat?!?! Wow. Oh, and I’m afraid of getting fat by way of taking care of myself? Double wow.

The weird part is that in my mind, I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna get fat. I know how to eat healthy (really REALLY healthy). I exercise regularly. But my heart doesn’t understand that. Satan has whispered his disgusting lies into my heart, and because my fear is such a deep-rooted one, my heart unquestioningly believes.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Ephesians 6:12

Another thing. Gaining the 8 or 10 pounds that I need to will by NO means make me fat. Those few pounds would put me just a couple pounds short of my weight at this time last year, which despite my (heart’s) popular belief, wasn’t actually fat. So why is it so hard now? Why am I seemingly unable to gain the weight? Well first, refer to the verse right above this paragraph. Did you read it again? Okay, now you may continue 🙂 Here are my top three ideas about why it’s so stinkin’ hard for me to gain weight:

Idea #1: I’m afraid my clothes won’t fit. I had to buy smaller clothes when I initially lost the weight just so I could actually wear something that fit. When I get back to my normal weight, perhaps those clothes won’t fit anymore…but isn’t that normal? I mean, sheesh! It would make sense for those smaller clothes to be a bit small in 10 pounds. But it’s a hard pill to swallow when your jeans are suddenly really tight. When that t-shirt is now only suitable as an undershirt.

Idea #2: What if I loose control?? I mean, what if I gain ten pounds, and it suddenly becomes 15…then 30? This is a pretty frightening thought that goes right back to the fear of getting fat. Which is something I’ve already addressed. Take a deep breath. You’re not getting fat any time soon.

Idea #3: Okay, guys, I think this is one of the biggest points. * deep breath * I’m afraid of being judged because of the weight I’ve gained by the people I haven’t seen all summer . I’m afraid they’ll look at me and be like “Wow, what happened to her?” or “Ooooh she put on a little weight.” But the thing is, the people who would say or think those things don’t know my story. They don’t know what’s going on. Actually, they probably won’t even notice. I’ll probably just look healthier! But my unseen Enemy is trying awfully hard to convince me that everyone will notice, and begin whispering and pointing and laughing and judging and…shut up.

I’m getting really tired of Satan telling me lies.

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6 responses

23 07 2010
Aunt Chelle

Let’s deal with your three issues

#1
I will buy you a few new items if you need ’em. Problem solved.

#2
Whaddya mean “what if I lose control” – sounds like maybe you might be gaining BACK control if you gain some weight. Trust me, you have the strength to gain a reasonable amount of weight, then maintain it. Don’t fear success!

#3

Ahhhhh judgement!

Let’s just forget about the small-minded people in this world. And a person who freaks because another has gained healthy weight is, kindly put, small minded. So change that fear of judgement to desire for approval. The people who love you will APPROVE of your progress and strength! I do!!!!!

23 07 2010
acbylsma

Sooooo, I know…and you know…that you will not lose control and that 10 pounds will not become 30! You know how to eat right and you are constantly eating healthy and learning more. Right now it is changing your habits and daily routine that need to change and with that the mind and heart may change as well. Be encouraged my dear dear friend. You are not alone 🙂

Dont worry about what people will think if you make yourself healthy. I promise that people will only notice that you filled back out and look more womanly ; ) curves are a good thing and you will not get to the point of curves becoming pudge, we both know that to be true : )

I know you’ll be foxy

24 07 2010
mybadfriended

Thank you so much for your reassurance! I pretty much adore your perspective on curves… 😉 Thank you!

23 07 2010
Brian Swanson

I think you are overplaying people ‘judging’ if girls put on a few pounds over the summer. I will say from experience, as well as having friends to have made comments like, “wow, she put on some weight”, it is not something that guys are even really able to notice unless it is drastic. This might not be comforting, but just to give you a bit of insight to how guys view girls, I have found that girls can be much more vicious towards other girls, and most every guy really doesn’t care unless there is obesity or something unhealthy. Also, you know how to and do eat better than most everybody I know, so don’t downplay that. It’s a highly valued thing to know what your goals are health and weight wise, and actually be able to stay committed and achieve those goals. I have been wanting to put on muscle and size for years, but I haven’t committed to it enough to get the results I want. So take pride in your steadfastness and know that it is envied by lots of people.
Lastly, for the statement of you being tired of Satan telling you lies, now that your are building a foundation in scripture and your faith, his attempts will only get stronger as you get stronger. Keep at it, and know that the trials you face are because you are better, healthier, and more confident than before. Thanks for the post!

24 07 2010
mybadfriended

Thank you so much for that awesome insight. I really do appreciate it. And thank you for being so encouraging! God has really been showing me more and more areas that Satan is affecting, and I too often forget that as I get stronger, so do his attacks. Thank you so much for reading and commenting!! 🙂

31 07 2010
I Didn’t Know How… « My Bad Friend Ed

[…] seeing a huge serving of almost anything but salad pretty much freaks me out. Badly. I think that fear of loosing control comes in there. Anywho, too often, I’ve told myself…forced myself…to stop eating before I […]

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