It’s a Long Road to Confidence

18 09 2010

One of the requirements my doctor gave me in returning to school this fall was that I MUST weigh in with the nurse weekly for the first month. The nurse would then call my doctor to report my weight. If the doctor doesn’t hear from the nurse? He’ll call my parents. It feels like probation! The good news is #1. The doctor hasn’t had to call my parents and #2. I’ve gained about a pound since coming back! But here’s the thing. Yesterday when I weighed, I recognized that I felt kinda disappointed that my weight was the same as last week. And this feeling wasn’t because I hadn’t gained weight. Confession time! I felt disappointed because my weight wasn’t lower. WHAT THE CRAP?! I know I’ve felt this many times before, but it wasn’t until this week that I fully recognized it for what it is. A pure lie. That eating disorder voice tried really hard to tell me that it’s BAD for me to gain weight, that I should only loose weight. That I’m better if I loose weight. False.

So why is this? Why do I feel this keen disappointment when I get on the scale to see that nothing has changed? The obvious answer would be that the Eating Disorder voice is just being a jerk. I know that’s part of it, but there’s more. Of the multitude of factors, I think one of them is a lack of confidence. Wahmp wah.

Somewhere along the lines, I’ve equated thinness with confidence. When I feel thin, I feel confident which gives a sense of power. I have the confidence to wear anything I want. I can eat or not eat. This is a dangerous and potentially destructive confidence. I’m so blinded by the high from feeling confident and powerful that I would forsake my basic needs of eating in order to maintain that? Wow. There’s GOT to be a better way.

My confidence needs to come from something bigger than myself. Jeremiah 17:7-8 says:

“But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”

I need to stop looking for affirmation from people around me. I need to stop worrying about what that person thinks about me in whatever respect. I’m done being intimidated by people who I think are better than me. My confidence won’t be based on what other people think. My confidence and peace will come from the Lord. How liberating!

What joy, what joy for those whose hope is in the name of the Lord
What peace, what peace for those whose confidence is Him alone

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