My Story

I can’t name a specific date or time that my eating disorder began. It sort of came up like microwaving a peep…what seemed to be a normal thing grew and changed shape until it fell over on itself.
Growing up, I’m pretty sure I fit into the category of “bigger kids”. In junior high, I became more aware of size and weight, and wanted to change, but really didn’t know how. Mid-way through high school, I hit my all-time highest weight, and decided that change needed to happen now. Using tools learned in health and PE classes, I began to shift towards healthier eating, and began to exercise a few times a week outside of PE class. Excess weight slowly came off, and I couldn’t have been happier! Clothes fit better and looked better, and it seemed like my self confidence grew. I cut out “bad” foods, and lowered my carbohydrate intake. Healthy, right? Yeah…right up until it became a strict rule. Guilt plagued me when I “splurged”. Red flag…ignored. I thought I was doing just fine, being healthy and whatnot. But slowly, my views on food and body image were morphing from healthy to not.
I headed off to college, terrified of the dreaded “freshman 15”. After seeing a few pounds of weight gain in the first couple weeks of class, I began to work out regularly, and eat little to none of the prepared foods in the cafeteria (not that THAT’S a bad thing…they weren’t that great anyways)…I became quite familiar with the salad bar. No matter what I ate or how much I exercised, I nearly always felt bigger than everyone else. Finally, by the end of freshman year, I lost a couple pounds, and felt good about it. I defied the stereotypical freshman 15!!!!!
Living at home for the summer gave me the opportunity to be more picky about what I ate. My diet saw lots of veggies and fruit…I was all about cutting calories whenever possible. Remember the peep metaphor? Well, the peep had grown quite a bit by now.
Before I knew it, the time had come to pack the car and return to the west coast to begin my sophomore year. My best new friend and her family had generously offered me their guest room at low rent, so I accepted…no more dorms! Home-cooked food! Privacy! YAY!!!!!
Upon moving in, I decided to follow my house-mate’s example of eating; eat when hungry rather than out of habit or boredom. Healthy, right? Except that some tummy-troubles kept me from getting hungry very often, aaaaand I ate ridiculously healthy. Oh and I exercised daily too. Result? About 1000-1200 calories per day. Result of that? Weight loss.
By the end of first semester, I was underweight. Most people wouldn’t have guessed it. I didn’t have protruding ribs or dark circles under my eyes. But I was quite thin. And I was getting scared. I talked to my best “see-right-through-you” friend and she…well…saw right through any excuses I could make. She flat out told me I needed to get help before it got bad. The peep couldn’t get much bigger.
I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for the day I arrived home for Christmas break. Consequently, I came down with a stomach bug on the train…I felt horrid when I arrived at the doctor, and looked worse. The doctor noticed my weight loss, and asked what was going on. I explained, withholding nothing. He took immediate action and put me in the hospital to speed up the tests to rule out other possible causes of weight loss. Can we say wake up call? The peep folded over on itself.
Fast forward four months…enter blog.


6 responses

30 05 2010

I love you! And though this is quite the serious section, having lived some of it with you allows me to appreciate the wit and humor of the “peep” metaphor. ๐Ÿ™‚

30 05 2010

I love you too! I’m glad you appreciate the peep metaphor…I thought you would! I hoped that adding that section would lighten things up a bit. Yes, it’s serious, but I didn’t want it to be terribly depressing or anything ๐Ÿ™‚

12 06 2010
De'Dee Brown

Very brave of you to speak so publicly! Healthy brave! Not that you need it by any means… but am proud of you for stepping out of that private place. Something weird happens when you cast light on something dark. Will be praying that God helps you as you walk thru this. God Bless you

12 06 2010

Thank you, De’Dee! Light changes everything – flowers grow, moods change, truth is revealed…light is powerful. God bless you as well.

21 08 2010
Aunt Alice

I finally was able to get ionto your blog it is great . I think you are really trying to help your self just keep the voices out of you head.|
I love you to much to see you go tru this . But i can see where you are coming from from being heavy my self but you are far from being heavy .
Keep up the good work & stick with the counseling & what ever it takes ,
Love you

21 08 2010

Thank you and love you too!

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