The Lies He Tells

To be 100% honest, sometimes I get downright discouraged by my eating disorder. I’m not gaining weight very quickly, my bones aren’t as strong as they ought to be…I just don’t feel normal!!!! ARGGGGG!! So it’s times like these, the moments when I feel weak, that the Enemy tries to speak the loudest. And he’s a terrible liar, yet, like that bad boyfriend , he’s very convincing. And sometimes, I start to believe what he says. So what does he say say? Well. Here’s a list (in no particular order:

1. “You’re fat!” This might seem cliché, but it’s true. I usually hear this one when I’m not feeling great – tummy ache or lacking appetite – it’s like I get kicked when I’m down! But when I hear this lie, the mirror lies too. No outfit I put on looks “right”. I see bulges where none exist. I become irrational. I don’t think about the fact that my clothes fit fine, fit just like they did yesterday, nor do I think about the fact that I exercised and ate what I normally do…which isn’t typically as much as I should eat…so it doesn’t even make sense that I’d be fat from one day to the next. Stupid lies.

2. “Don’t eat.” What the heck? Why on earth would I listen to stupid “advice” like that? But I have, and sometimes I still come close. I face this most often when I’m upset about something. It’s like the Enemy tries to make me think that somehow, by not eating, whatever I’m upset about will be resolved. Ha! Right! Good try! It’s not gonna work that way.

3. “Oh, just have something light.” Pick a salad, or a smoothie, or really anything that won’t have much caloric impact! Maybe celery? HA! This is one I’m dealing with a lot, even now. I’ve trained myself VERY well to choose the lowest calorie item, so often, I just default to it. But what if I want a slice of pizza? Woah, there. I bet you…ummm…a pan of brownies?…that there’s a salad or soup or something lighter sitting right next to that slice of pizza. It’s like a test. In that moment of decision, the Enemy launches a full-scale attack, zinging lie after lie after lie at me. Guess what? It’s getting easier to ignore him and have what I want rather than what he tells me I should have. YAY!!!!!!!!

4. “You’re not good enough” Not good enough for what? I don’t even know. It’s just one more of his stupid lies.

Here’s a little story to send you on your way:

I had a bone scan last week, and the results were that my bones are weaker than average. It’s reversible, but I have to be very intentional about calcium and vitamin D intake. A couple of days after the diagnosis, I was getting ready for work, and making a sandwich for dinner. I put some of this and a little of that, a few slices of turkey and…hmm…CHEESE!! So I grab the block of cheddar out of the fridge and begin to slice. I can never actually slice it evenly, so it ended up being a few odd-shaped pieces, but anyways, I heard this nastylittle voice inside of me say “Oooh think of the calories…are you sure you want that cheese?” I reached to take it off when a BIGGER voice gently spoke “But there’s calcium in that cheese. You need it,” and guess what? I kept that silly cheese on my sandwich. And you know what? It tasted good!! Take that, liar!